Ugly Helm Controversy.

Earlier I told you about how I became the proud owner of the "Worlds Ugliest Helm" and about the entertainment it provides me with. Sometimes, however, it attracts a little too much attention from the wrong sort of person.

What am I talking about?

Well there's only one thing for it.

It's story time folks.



Once there was a little warrior named Dorfageddon, and one day he decided to pug Pit of Saron. He waited in line patiently until he entered the instance together with a Mage, a Warlock, a Holy Paladin, and a confused looking Bear. They all said hello to each other, except the Bear who was looking around wondering what the hell he was doing in this scary looking place.

Despite his trepidation the Bear boldly charged the enemy and shortly into the battle Dorfageddon was to realise that not only was the Bear confused as to why he was there, but also as to what he was doing at all. This was alright though as Dorfageddon was always happy to let someone else, anyone at all in fact, have the big nasty men beat up on them instead of him.

And so they continued along there way with Dorfageddon timidly poking at the enemy with his axe just in case they suddenly decided to look at him instead of the Bear. Preoccupied as he was with poking the enemy, Dorfageddon had all but forgotten that he was wearing 'The Worlds Ugliest Helm' and had forgotten the distracting effect it can have of your fellow adventurers. Sure enough 'The Worlds Ugliest Helm' had cast it's spell over the Mage, who could now pay attention to nothing else.

"WTF," said the Mage, "a warrior wearing leather?"

Realising at once what had happened Dorfageddon replied with his usual disarming response designed to let the affected agree with the statement and continue with whatever they were doing before having been distracted by 'The Worlds Ugliest Helm'.

"Ugly as hell isn't it?" he said.

"Warriors aren't meant to wear leather." said the Mage ignoring Dorfageddon and continuing on with his line of thought.

'Uh oh' thought Dorfageddon. 'This Mage has obviously been afflicted with the My-Penis-Is-Bigger-Than-Yours syndrome.' So he opened up Recount, the universally recognised penis size indicator, and was reassured by the numbers that not only was his penis still the biggest, but by a large margin too.

Still trying to be civil about the matter Dorfageddon decided to employ reasoning upon the Mage to try and smooth the whole matter over.

"Just look at the stats on the helm, they're awesome." he said.

"There's no strength on leather items." countered the Mage. "Take another look at your talent tree your missing the bonus to strength."

Dorfageddon looked at his talent tree, then he looked at 'The Worlds Ugliest Helm'. "Oh my god your right!" he exclaimed, "I'm missing out on a whole 4% strength from one item. Whatever shall I do?".

His sarcasm was unfortunately lost on the Mage who went on to say, " It's not just lost on one item, it's on your total strength."

Since the confused Bear had continued to engage more of the enemy ignoring the exchange, Dorfageddon poked at some of them while he pondered this bizarre statement, completely at a loss as to how having a single leather item could negate the bonus to the rest of his strength.

At this point the paladin and the warlock decided to pipe up, having kept silent so far.

"Whatever he's wearing it seems to work.", said the Warlock.

"Dorfageddon is doing fine, leave him alone.", said the Holy Paladin.

The Mage proceeded to turn his attention upon the Paladin and Warlock and start arguing with them, while the confused Bear kept flailing at new opponents seemingly oblivious to the chatter behind him.

Having come to the conclusion that the Mage had been eating too many of his 'special' cookies, Dorfageddon decided to abandon all pretence of being polite. "QQ at me when I'm not top of the damage meter.", he said to the Mage.

"I just can't believe that you are actually wearing leather as a Warrior." rejoined the Mage, ignoring Dorfageddons none too subtle reference to the fact that he was doing his job better than the Mage was.

Finally having had enough Dorfageddon said, "You obviously don't have a clue and arguing with you is a waste of my time, so welcome to my ignore list.". He then placed the Mage on his wonderful ignoring device, which acts much like putting your fingers in your ears except that you can still hear people who's opinions are actually worth listening to.

Dorfageddon bathed in the now idiot free silence that descended upon him, and got on with the job of prodding the current batch of foe's upon which the confused Bear was flailing. After a while both the Paladin and the Warlock started yelling at the Mage.

"Don't be suck a dickhead." yelled the Warlock.

"Don't try to be an elitist jerk in your Tier 9 welfare.", yelled the Paladin.

"Is he saying something?", asked Dorfageddon divining that only the person on his ignoring device could have elicited such a response from his companions.

"He's still complaining." said the warlock.

"He's crying." said the Paladin.

"I see." said Dorfageddon.

The confused Bear said nothing but did engage in battle with Forgemaster Garfrost, one of the mightiest foes they would encounter in the Pit of Saron.

Despite having engaged such a deadly foe, the argument between the Mage, Paladin and Warlock raged on. All through the fight and continued into the next encounters they fought.

During this time the argument revealed to Dorfageddon that the Mage was using the wrong Gems. He however refused to comment since his knowledge of Mage's was restricted to the fact that they made a lot of wavy had gestures and stood as far away from their opponent as possible.

Eventually the argument resulted in the Paladin prevailing on the Powers That Be to send the Mage away. This will only work if all the other companions agree to the proposal. All answered yes with the exception of the Bear to whom the proposition of a yes or no question was too much to comprehend with all the other difficulties he had to deal with.

So on they fought all through their encounters with the lesser minions and into the fight against the second of the Overlords they would face, Krick and his gigantic minion Ick.

All through the fight they also fought each other. Until at the point where Ick was unleashing his explosion of poison the Mage, rather than run away, ran towards the hideous fiend. Resulting in his untimely, yet hilarious, death.

There was much laughter had by all, except the Bear, who had been so confused by the many things this fight made him do other than flail at the enemy that he had ended up out of the fighting area and around the corner far far away from the Paladin who's job it was to keep him alive.

This meant that when Ick started moving again he sped all the way over to the Bear and killed him. Having Killed the Bear Ick immediately turned around and headed for the Warlock with the intention of making his demon consorting self into a demon consorting smear on the floor.

Hating the fact, yet realising that it was there only chance of victory, Dorfageddon threw down his big axe and picked up his shield and smaller axe. He then hurled the vilest insult he could think of at Ick to draw his attention away from the Warlock.

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!", he yelled at Ick.

Enraged by the defamation of his parents Ick immediately turned on Dorfageddon, who huddled behind his shield using every trick he knew to stop Ick squishing him while the Warlock finished the beast off.

Victory achieved it was time to clean up the mess. The Paladin when over to cast his resurrection spell on the the confused and unfortunate Bear. Thinking that the paladin might refuse to do the same for the Mage Dorfageddon made his way over to the corpse and pulled out his Gnomish Army Knife, one of it's gadgets happens to be a defibrillator. He applied it to the Mage and despite shocking himself in the singing some of his precious beard Dorfageddon caused life to flow once again through the Mage's body.

It was at this point that the Bear spoke for the first time. "Sorry I've got to go." he said, then left the adventurers. The paladin immediately took the opportunity to once again call upon the Power That Be to remove the Mage from their presence. This time his plea was granted and the Mage was whisked away by some irresistible force.

Left waiting for some new companions to join them, the Paladin turned to wards Dorfageddon and asked, "Why are you wearing leather by the way?"

Dorfageddon then proceeded to explain to the Paladin and Warlock the stat priority of an Arms Warrior and how under certain conditions leather armour was good to wear.



The moral of this story?

If someone is wearing something or gemming for something that you don't understand and yet is still out preforming you. Don't be a dick, ask them about it, and maybe, just maybe, listen to what they have to say.

Anywho story time has given me a headache so that's it from me for now.


Welcome to the return of The Incompetent Warrior.